Hi Iām Jennifer.
I am a REST Coach and Rest Activist / I am committed to creating intentionally sacred moments and content that is restful for you spirtually, mentally, emotionally, and intellectually. I am a former college adjunct professor, my husband I currently own our own psychoeducational firm and train.. I am an Author, Mental Health Therapist, Mentor and advocate for women finding sacred rest. Learn more about me here at my coaching website: www.mentormysister.org and inquire about personal self-care coaching at my email: jennifer@mentormysister.org .
So …today I’m home from work and just taking a day. And quite pensive.
I’ve had a completely FULL week and it took more emotional, mental and physical strength than I’ve exerted in quite some time. Sitting and allowing the sun to hit my feet and soak up sun, is just: peaceful.
There were transitions for people in my life and who were ordained to cross my paths. And whether by prayer, conducting acts of service, or simple conversation,… I completed the tasks – so I’m worthy of the much needed rest.
Sometimes I’m not fully aware how much virtue leaves me when I’m completing such tasks. This led me to blog a bit about this story of being tasked to “assignments” versus being tasked to “ajob“. I realize there is a difference.
There’s what some of us call: employment and then what employs us- that being a call to work in conjunction with other to fulfill their own destiny.
And that was last week, for me.
So .. that’s all folks.
So think about it: Which are you fulfilling?
Your calling or your assignment? Or are you working in futile places, barely being fulfilled?
Do we need to pursue our calling so that we can complete our full assignment?
Who assigns it anyway?
Is it us, …. God…or the ” little gods ” we serve: (work, people, houses , cars or the things we own):
And …what can you do to ‘reduce yourself’ to less of what you desire, so that your life might be full?
Selah.
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I guess I could’ve chosen another word this month, for July to focus on, but as a Nation, I believe this is where we are. I chose “Feel“.
America is changing. There are many things that have occurred that causes trauma to bring out actions that were once hidden and contained in one space – to open up into the main arena- which often is the community, at large or even small communities as of late.
The mass murders that have occurred over the past few months have caused me to put a few projects on hold and to take take to be present to you feelings, lately. I am not feeling just for myself, but I find myself feelings for others, as well.
The victims, the perpetrators, the communities affected. And I’ve been doing the only thing I know how- which involves prayer, and open lamenting. Open lamenting involves talking about the grief , and the actions and behaviors and losses I don’t quite understand. I choose to feel.
I am still feeling. And possibly will be all year- who knows… Because someone has to. Someone has to make the things people numb out to – be at the forefront. And if that’s what I do by writing, so be it.
Someone has to speak to the pain, the hurt, the challenges, the shifting of this world as it evolves. Sometimes faster than we are changingourselves. Someone has to respond with love, encouragement, to love this life with freedom even when it seems it’s too risky to go out in communities for fear of being harmed.
I used to live on the Arkansas River in Tulsa, Ok. And this photo above was a place where I considered to be my safe space. When things began to shift and change, I would walk the path alongside the river and it would calm me. Until one day the river overflowed its banks. And it was in my backyard. We had to move. We shifted. And not reluctantly, at all. We just knew it was time. So together, we shifted with the way life was leading us.
Even as things shift and change in your life, find yourself safe space. As life shifts and challenges, you and atrocities happen all around. Remember also what “centers” you. Remember to ” give thanks” even when it’s hard to. Keep a heart of gratitude.
We need to have a certain level of adaptability to life, when things shift. We cannot choose numbness, or indifference, or ” anger” as our way of dealing; because it may cause self- sabotage, or systemic sabotage, or even resentments and hate. We have to tap into where love is. We cannot freeze up. We must feel.
Pray. Cry. Deal with and talk about how you feel about women’s rights, death, loss, grief, murder. Don’t distance yourself, don’t ‘veg out’ on TV.
Feel. Believe. Trust.
Even if believing is a challenge.
Choose to feel. Allow yourself to breathe. Because when challenges sometimes happen , the first thing we do is hold our breaths.
So I donāt write on forgiveness often. But I do read about it. And I do have conversations on it.
Because its complex. And recently I had a conversation with a group of people about it and I had an epiphany : Forgiveness is an act of self-love.
That itās a gift to myself to not take on the burden of stress, overwhelm and complexity of being hurt.Choosing to be present to life and living it with purpose, intent and joy. Not resentment, fear and discontent.
Itās freeing when you can notice what helps you to thrive, and man, to be honest- unforgiveness isnāt what helps you thrive. It negates your spirituality- your Oneness with the God of Creation. And ,your inner being is at the core – to be kind, gracious, loving hopeful, and at peace. And to practice all that in the humility of loving yourself first. This is completely impossible if I forgiveness is in the way.
And iāll be damned – excuse my French~but choice words can be literal- if I allow a āperson or personsā to steal that level of self- love within me, then itās a slow death, for me..
But how do we know the level of self-love within? If all we have ever experienced is harm and hate and displeasure? I believe it begins with acceptance of the things we cannot change. The Serenity prayer. The wisdom to know the difference. Surrender. Even to things we donāt like, want or need. Finding rhythm, despite the tumult.
I do not have all the answers- but I do have experience. It can be discovered. And discovery with forgiveness takes much courage and faith.
Noā¦ we cannot forget about the harm and the pain and the years of disgrace and the numbness that wants to forever keep us hidden and āfeelingā safeā¦ however, that really isnāt safety. If you thought it was, youāve been misinformed.
Seek Safety. Safety begins with an act of volition. of choosing to āsay yesā to you- to being your own healing by forging a path of self- honesty that says : ā I matterā. First.
And thatās where forgiveness begins.
With self-prioritization. And once you realize your healing and freedom is wrapped up inside of it- you will release everything that comes in opposition.
Quiet is my safe space. I get quiet, and my whole world changes. It’s wisdom for my soul.
I’ve learned over the years that quiet is not just a way of being. It’s a healthy place. A place where growth happens. A place where the world stops and all its ‘chaotic-ness’.
Quiet is a place of security. Where I become my best friend.
Quiet is where I practice self-love.
Quiet is hope for my future.
Quiet is a soft, soft, song. And sometimes without words.
Sometimes I go to this place knowing it will free me and rejuvenate me.
Other times it’s when I lack courage and need to nurture and feed myself only ‘good words’.
And then there are times when Quiet helps me rest. Long for myself and my identity , again. To remember who I am, ‘Whose‘ I am, … and where I belong that’s safe and calm.
Yeah, quiet is my best friend.
It’s a concrete and completely divine way of remembering
Wow… when life gets tough, where do YOU turn? Encourage is my word I chose to follow for April of 2022. ( It’s been a long April for me, and it’s only half way there.)
It’s been a tough one , this month, with the war in Ukraine, seeing all its devastation, and the people having to leave their country, I cannot imagine what that’s like – leaving all you have ever known, and having to uproot and move from your family to thrive again. As a contemplator by nature, I have found some of the news from this Ukraine war to be very moving, and at times I struggle trying to understand why someone could be so hard hearted towards a people who have done no wrong. On top of this, and a few other personal concerns during the month of April, have caused me to think about my family, my personhood, and my friendships in such a way that I have not considered before. I have been trying my best to be mindful.
What I keep coming back to, again and again is how mindfulness centers me, when situations in life are chaotic. I am a therapist, by profession, a mental health therapist – who has taken a long break from professional therapy, very intentionally – to do some healing myself. It has been the best decision for me, I am finding. I learned a lot about mindfulness, and I don’t think I have shared very much on this blog, about it. That may change significantly.
I have a very peaceful way of finding sleep, when I am a bit restless at night. I usually begin to imagine myself as a pebble, and I am skipping across a pond. Once I hit the water, (as a pebble), I imagine myself falling… and as I am falling , the waters surrounding me are multi-colored and beautiful , glistening and I just fall, until I find sleep. I am very present to what is happening around me as I fall – the colors, the sounds, and the ambiance. I may have to throw the pebble three or four times, but most often the first time, is the charm…and I am asleep. Just like that. It amazes me every single time how quickly I find sleep. I suggest you try it, if you have the same trouble, sometimes.
Mindfulness is how I stay encouraged, and to be honest, it can be quite the task. It takes time to cultivate, and develop the routine of it. So ā¦I am recommending a really good book that’s helped me this month to stay focused. It’s called The Light Maker’s Manifesto – by Karen Walrond. Karen gives several interviews on the book of people who are activists in their own right – who just have a cause they live for, and they discuss a myriad of ways they remain faithful to their call and use mindful listening even, to stay present to the call. I LOVE THIS. In fact, I love everything about this book. Karen is someone I have been following on her blog ( http://www.chookooloonks.com ) for several years, and I have sincerely gleaned a lot about life, photography and living – for quite a few years.
The Lightmaker’s Manifesto – By Karen Walrond
In one section she speaks of how to maintain rhythm and how to take care of yourself in such a way that you thrive. And since “Rhythm” was my word last month, and I didn’t write about it, I thought I would share.
Essentially, she says five factors exist:
Cultivation of spirituality by leading a meaningful lifestyle. (And yes, that’s why I write this blog – to assist everyone that reads , in noticing what’s meaningful in life and sticking to your purpose within.)
Taking care of yourself physically, and tapping into the connection between your mind and body – so important. Tapping into the realization & connection between why my body was not aligned with my physicality over this past year – has been so enlightening and freeing for me. ( Mind you – I couldn’t do this alone- it took a bit of counseling to determine what I had to awaken to and acknowledge , in my own soul. )
Intentional intellectual stimulation. ( I love this because one of my “strengthfinders” characteristics is “intellectualization”. Sometimes perspective can be so freeing. Itās how we evolve. Grow. I love sharing with others and working on adjusting my mindset and gleaning from others’ mindsets.
Nurturing meaningful and constructive relationships within, and with others. I love that she says āwithinā – so important to love yourself fully before you can love others.
And lastly, not being afraid of our emotions. Not denying or suppressing them. It s so interesting how being present in this day and age with so many distractions surrounding us, is what saves us.
So, I am quite thankful for this book, ( & finding resolve through it) after a long bout with Covid, wrestling with myself and my needs as a person in a midlife situation, being in counseling – taking a break from work, being a wife and a spiritual mother to many – and caretaker of my parents. It brought a lot into focus.
Stay encouraged,
Jenn
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South Africa was a really fun place to be. Smiles everywhere… from the people and not just small smirks or blushes but bright, shining smiles that were pure joy!
For faces to light up after years of oppression, death and sadness showed me that people were really blessed find a secret joy that made them feel alive and free. Even the little brown children’s cheeks would glow red. It was like I was living in a dream, actually, because the people’s lives were so vastly different than my own.
I pondered this thought: after years of the suppression and oppression, that the people of South African descent would have loads of residue that would still exist – even ten years after apartheid ended its reign- which was when I visited. Internally, this may be true; however the fact remains that maybe also they were glad to finally be “free” and that joy is what resonated with me upon my visit.
There were several signs of poverty and the shantytowns ( row and rows of tiny homes and shacks made by those living in the villages) that had several holes in them that kept out some light- not all, but not the cold. I remember the chill of the morning in May of 2003, and seeing the cold of my breath, in the AM hours, and the tiny holes where sunlight came in.
I wondered to myself:
How do they rest, when it’s so cold? Then, I realized REST in something developed within. It really doesn’t matter how cold you are on the outside, if you can develop a peace within and contentment from living in a community with people who care for you. My South African friends taught me this. I was only there for three weeks, and it feels like the lessons I learned were forever lessons.
I can only imagine how difficult it was to sleep in a place like this in the winter.
Yet these smiling faces never stopped showing up .. time and time again…they were inspiring for me, hopeful and helpful. Even to me, as a visitor. At the time, I was facing an imminent divorce, as I returned to the states.
I can truly say, the people in this country inspired me, rejuvenated me, and sparked my joy once again. Their inspired living caused me to reach for more. To make certain I lived out the meaning of my new name: Nthabiseng -which means Make Me Happy.
Thank you, South Africa.
Ase’
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Iām the ābabyā of the fam.. what that means is you often feel āspecialā when you grow upā¦ and even when your donāt feel special- you feel special because your have a lot of favor, with everyone in the fam. For this reason Iāve favored, I believe āspecial relationshipsā have always been like really important to me. Growing up, I would try to make every kid I know feel specialā¦ especially the little friends I had who were easily hurt by words because they didnāt look like everyone else, smell like everyone else, or have a family like everyone else.
They
The āfriendsā I knew would be people lI found time to be kind to because I knew they didnāt have the same resources I had, or seemed lonely. My mother noted that when young, I was really compassionate. I didnāt understand how people who had so many needs could be treated so unkind by others. It just didnāt seem fair. And so, whenever I could, I would try to smile or talk to them and just be a kind face and notice them. My mother taught me the importance of kindness. She was a teacher, and would take me to school sometimes with her and sheās show me how to treat the kids kindly – because some of them had special needs, in her classroom setting. I learned how to be considerate of others, very young. My mother didnāt know, (or perhaps she did know) that I was a āsocial worker in the making.ā
Family was important to me when i small, and still is important. Several of my siblings are compassionate. I have a sibling who have bee pastors, another whoās been a coach, and several who are social workers in my family. When I was little my big brothers and sister were āeverythingā to me. This āspecialnessā I found came with certain privileges- and because of the privileges – Iāve always was wanted to be around them, up under them, would try to sleep in my brothers rooms often and my sisters , tooā¦at times. Some would call it spoiled, other would call it āwell-lovedā.. and whatever it was , iām learning today, it was really ok. It didnāt ruin me. This kind treatment showed me how to love onā folk. And that was just plain oleā goodness.
I remember most of this goodness as being special memories with my family- how as a family weād go on long car rides to the country ; and go to cabins in the woods ; trip rides to LaGrange, GA and do things together as a famā¦ because that was family to us. I just loved being with my family.
Family was so special, It never occurred to me that one day I wouldnāt have my own biological children. I am grateful for those who have become family, for me and werenāt even related to me. My womb did not naturally produce my own children, and this is huge. I have what i consider to be āchildrenā who are mine, and others have birthed – yet they are my kids, because spiritually Iāve played a huge part in their development. ( They may not know it, but Iāve been there.) Thereās a scripture in the Bible that says: āmore are the children of the desolate one-she will have many more children.āGalatians 4:7 This means something to me. (It means I have more children than I really know.)
I searched the word ādesolateā & it led meto the word agape. Agape means a āGod-kind of loveā- in the purest sense of the word it means the highest kind of love you can give humans. I had to pause here, because it made me think less about what I didnāt have, and although children were never born from my womb; the children I couldnāt have – gave me a greater love that was borne for those who needed it, perhaps even more than those born with their naturals parents. And ācrossed my pathsā they did! Crazy . Inasmuch as I would have loved to have bio children, the blessing of not having children has made me more spacious for welcoming and cherishing and inviting more āchildren ā in – more space to love on and be warm and kind to those who come across my path to nurture more fully.
Agape love is a love thatās redemptive; lasting and eternal. Itās more than enough. Hmmā¦Fits perfectly.
Grateful to know God chose me as His ācarrierā of such love. Iām definitely feeling the impact and the grace itās left over these 54 years of life and in my profession, ministry and life path. As a teacher, professor a social worker, chaplain, leader, diversity trainer, missionary, therapist and life coachā¦ life has shown āmy childrenā to have so much more because I had the precious time to invest in them. Selah.š¦
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If someone asked you how you felt, would you be able to tell them?
Feelings can be hard to pinpoint sometimes.
Someone close to me asked me the other day how was I feeling and I really didn’t have words.
This is a good chart to use when you’re lost with your feelings. Knowing how you feel can help to have perspective on life matters when you don’t know where you stand on a matter.
For instance, if you’re confused, you may need to process with a friend or counselor those feelings before you share them with anyone else, and get clarity.
If you’re sad,… do you know why? What can you do about your sadness? Do you need a day off from work? Do you need to have a break?
Are you exhausted?
What needs to change?
Do you need some perspective on life balance what it means to have it?
When you have perspective, you make better decisions, you feel empowered and more confident in life.
When you can’t identify your feelings you find negative and adverse ways of coping, you shore up your hurts, have major misunderstandings, because you fail to communicate them, and you often feel insecure and falter.
Choose to feel, today.
Take control of your life, risk feeling vulnerable and be in control of your emotional life. You’re so worth it.
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How can you tell when you have been motivated and then.. inspired?
I did an exercise today and noted a few things that motivated me; first, then I asked myself what about those five things caused me to be INSPIRED??
children
families
hope
creativity
love
What INSPIRES ME about the FIVE SUBJECTS – Is that children being successful, …achieving; children who grow up to be adults and they break generational curses! Children who decide they will live better, stronger lives than those before them.
Families nurturing one another; families with high esteem; families that make other families by examples Hope – hope giving; hope in culture hope for another 100 years by the lives we led before them. hope by example , courageous hope , inspirational hope that lasts inspires creativity.
And creativity inspires ME. It helps me laugh, helps me to trust myself on another level. It helps me stand with my head held high; and it helps me stand with pride and look back on my culture with love and high esteem.
I just came back from The National African American Museum in Washington, DC and BOY was I inspired! So proud of the gift in storytellers and historians and curatorsā¦because to tell stories, and share stories of empowerment and to inform and tell history… what a leah at they have left for several African American people. To know the truth and allow it to make you free..wow because where would we be without it!
The National Mall in Washington, DC– Loved this place. Please visit. Life-changing.
Oh and here is what inspires me about LOVE…
Love inspires me how it GIVES ME JOY;
Love helps me feel whole.
Ā Love helps me treat other unconditionallyĀ .
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If someone asked you how you felt, would you be able to tell them?
